My turning point came when I hit the rock bottom, right after I turned 22.
As I studied at a Catholic high school where I only had to conform to the values already set for you, I had never developed the habit or ability to think for myself. I was a good girl, a model student who studied well and followed the rules – without a question.
I faced the bitter consequences as soon as I stepped into the university campus for the entrance ceremony. I knew I would fall apart. And, I did, badly.
I suffered from a worsening identity crisis for the entire 4 years – resulting in a suicide attempt. Then I had an abortion just before the commencement.
The guilt and the loss devastated me. The unsolved issues from the failed suicide poured onto the agony. In the pitch darkness, I saw nothing.
I desperately grope for an escape, an exit – in vain. There was no escape; no turning back or running away. It was the rock bottom.
There remained no other choice but to gaze at the darkness, walk into and live in it.
“Never forget that the life was given and I took it. I ended it out of my inability to love. I will learn to love. I will find myself and I will learn to love.” (Maktub: A Journey Home, p. 75)
In retrospect, this turned my life. What is “this” exactly? Acceptance of where I was and a resolution to change myself.
I’d dropped fighting, stopped resisting, and surrendered to what was. Then I declared to the universe that I would find myself and learn to love.
Nothing seemed to change outside: the path still felt rough and harsh. The resolution, however, had changed the course of my life; it had opened a new door for me.
That moment, I did step out of the endless self-pity and I started walking a path of healing and growth. However sluggish and miserable I may have looked.
Though not easy, after staying in the pit awhile, take a deep breath and say to yourself, “I can carry it. I will change.”
Please remember: at the rock-bottom, there is no further down; you’ll only ascend!